you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize