Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Found the puke drawer
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
