There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
