The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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