I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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