Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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