Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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