Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
His nipple licking is glorious
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