I wish I only lived at night.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
