got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
