im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
