throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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