Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize