having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
