you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
