just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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