walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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