I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
