Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
