last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
