There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
