Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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