with your own penis?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
