cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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