i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize