I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
