Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
