My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
