Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
