her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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