He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
