Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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