I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize