WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
