You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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