If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Operation Purity has been aborted
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you had me at cake vodka
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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