So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
