I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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