You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
