I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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