she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize