We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
