My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
