He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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