she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
