4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
