god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
