my shit smells like andre
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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