hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
