I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
