proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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