My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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