she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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