He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize