Swine flu. Run for my life!
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
