New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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