We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
