umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
