Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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