got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Randomize
