if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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