Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize