i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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