on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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