i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
