I faked an abortion last night.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
