Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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