Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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