If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
