I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
