just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
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